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My little niece knew exactly what I needed for my birthday, a meatball named in my honor. And then she ate it so I’m not stuck with any stuff or obligations. Three year olds are the best. If you don’t have a meatball named after you, you need to correct this situation. It’s a life changer.

And while we’re talking about needs, I need this:

Evil Clown in the Metro.co.uk

Brought to us by Metro.co.uk. You can hire him to follow around that someone special in your life. Fun! As long as he doesn’t try to stalk me on a week when I’m feeling reclusive because then he’d have to sit on my fire escape and lurk in my closet. Probably charges extra for that.

Sorry you didn’t think of the evil clown idea first, but I have the best idea ever and it’s yours to run with and make gagillions. It’s a shower curtain, but not just any shower curtain. This one is slightly opaque, comes in all colors, and has a dark shadow of a person just standing there printed on the outside so you never feel alone. Can you see it? Great for slightly twisted singletons and couples alike.