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Feeling a bit remorseful, but it’s really not my fault. My stupid body goes through phases where it won’t work right, which means too much time indoors when it seems like the entire world is floating in the ocean and jumping around on stages. So I treat myself to the little things like pina coladas and make it a double. Then I reach for my phone because there’s a story I want to tell.

I’m not much of a texter, but two drinks is all it takes for me to dial. He answered in a whisper, and I was so excited:

‘PUT ME ON SPEAKER PHONE. PUT ME ON SPEAKER PHONE.’

‘I’m at a launch party.’

‘PUT ME ON SPEAKER PHONE.’

It was the first time I’ve ever given a public address so unprepared and also uninvited. I may have done some damage, but it’s hard to tell because I got some applause – though not technically a standing ovation because they were already standing. My only question is why did he listen to me? Would you put someone on speaker phone at a party, especially if she’s clearly in ALL CAPS I’m-not-very-stable mode?

And now I have to start hiding my phone because there’s a part of me that thinks this is fantastic because I’m pretty sure my dear friend will take more speaker phone requests.

So let’s just say I finally found my Calling. Who else in my phone will comply? I wonder if anybody has a date tonight. I could be a welcome third wheel via speaker phone. The voice that hums at awkward moments and breaks into song with a crescendo of bells just before the first kiss. I have bells! I know songs! Call me?

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