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Apparently, I like my home fries sexy.

We stopped at a diner on our way home from the Poconos. Unless specifically stated, diners menus offer very few vegan/ gluten free options. Still, I have a soft spot. Sitting in window booths at tipsy tables with rippled chrome rims or at the counter on spinning stools watching a fresh pot of coffee fill from the drip is a post-hike ritual. Raj will try anything on a menu while I tend to stick to what I know I like (and won’t make me sick). My order is simple: coffee and home fries with peppers and onions. This is my old tee shirt of food. I’ve been ordering home fries with peppers and onions all my diner-loving life.


Imagine our surprise when the check comes and we see our orders were written as they’ve never been written before. Our home fries were “sexy”. Now I have questions. Does sexy = peppers and onions at all diners? There’s only one way to find out. Raj will have to order his potatoes sexy next time and see how the waiter reacts. I can’t. I still get Moon Over My Hammie flashbacks.

Home fries … and put some heels on ’em.

I did a Google image search for home fries sexy. No naked people popped up, but neither did an answer. People seem to enjoy calling all sorts of potato dishes with stuff on them sexy, which kind of makes sense. If you want to feel sexy you put stuff on? Makeup? Uncomfortable shoes? Scented products? Putting on all the stuff at once is super sexy, or too sexy. I don’t know.

The real question is: Do we want our breakfast-for-dinner potatoes too hot to handle or just a tad gussied up?

Home fries … and give ’em some appeal. You know what I mean.

Sexy is very subjective, too subjective for my old tee shirt diner staple. I want mine with peppers and onions and now I want to order them in a fun way that’s universally understood. Think of all the potential for nonverbal miscommunications. What if someone shimmies? I don’t know why Raj would shimmy, but what if he does? My home fries could come out with a runny egg on top. Home fries sexy, but not too sexy. Clearly means peppers and onions, no bacon, but some diner cooks might get a little saucy and sprinkle on some cheese.

Home fries sexy opens too many doors.

Or maybe this particular waiter was making a comment on her customers? Maybe she took one look at our hat hair, mud-streaked clothes and my come hither slouch and thought Now there are some sexy potatoes. That must be it.